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[[https://bit.ly/4581sZr Single Or Married: You Never Stop Growing]]
[[https://bit.ly/4jGbSD4 Is your Inner Relationship Coach keeping you single?]]
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[[https://bit.ly/4kZcAwy How to Change Your Dating Karma]]
[[https://bit.ly/4kRyYaP Facing the Fear to Get to Love]]
[[https://bit.ly/3HLVe7G Building Dating Confidence by Facing What You Fear]]
[[https://bit.ly/3SCqlVJ Why You Shouldn’t Trust Your Feelings In Relationships]]
[[https://bit.ly/4jKjGnr Romancing Yourself To Love]]
[[https://bit.ly/3FNz44v ARE WE ALL JUST JADED HAGS? WHETHER TO GOOGLE YOUR DATE OR NOT]]
[[https://bit.ly/4kSlVWH How Not To Get Beaten Up In a Club]]

Mistress Matisse,

Setting aside the sarcastic self-deprecating theme, you make two points in your column: That there are really bad advice books out there (I completely agree) and that dating (getting to know someone and revealing yourself) is awkward and scary.

I think you live in a fairly well-know and controlled environment. Your community knows you and you know the people in it. You know what they want, how they react, what they offer you. You play and socialize in an arena where you have a great deal of control, where you are comfortable. Where you are safe.

The "vanilla" world doesn't come with the same prior knowledge; you have less control and are outside you comfort zone. There is actually risk (and reward) involved, the same that is present in any situation that pushes boundaries. I think you're familiar with that process.

That's why I'm so surprised by your reaction to trying out dating: I would have expected you to jump in with both feet, been exactly who you are (boldly and without reservation) and let anyone who didn't like it walk away (or cower attractively). Instead, you hid; buying into the myth that strong is bitchy. In fact, disappointingly, you even encourage the myth.

Even if you don't want to date a few "vanilla" people, I recommend trying again. This time, take the risk and be yourself. You might be surprised.
Posted by red tie on June 24, 2010 at 3:47 PM · Report
ex-neocon poly wife40
Mistress, if I ever run into you at a party, I am going to have a conversation with you about this. Frankly, I ignore the advice books and go with my gut. After meeting some decent guys that way that are pretty damn hot, I think I can attest to the fact that being open and genuine about what you are looking for, maintaining a certain subltety while still having the important conversations, seems to be pretty damned effective--including "Sex is really important to me," even. I think testing the waters and watching reactions is also beneficial. I don't think these conversations you mentioned are taboo like the books say. I think honesty with an eye to the other person's comfort level is the smartest thing that ever could possibly take place. And don't be afraid to say to yourself "Okay, this would be like putting a square peg in a round hole. It's just not going to work out." I've figured out what works for me pretty effectively and I no longer mess around with anything else. Give me a hot artist--writer, producer, or fine arts, and I can pretty much guarantee a good fit most of the time. I've also found that I really like stressed out hot geeks, kinda the real world Justin Long types. As long as they come with a spousal recommendation, it's generally a really good deal, too.

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